Oregon's Largest Newspaper Writes Bigfoot Policy Speech for Donald Trump

Sasquatch feet aren't just big they are "Yuuuuge!"

"I would give the Northwest what it's never had, a winning Bigfoot policy." --The Oregonian's Fictional Donald Trump 

Some readers may recall that staffers of President George H.W. Bush referred to Portland as "Little Beirut" because of the protests encountered by Bush on his trip there. Donald Trump, as many other conservatives, may not campaign much in Oregon. With that on mind, The Oregonian, Oregon's largest newspaper, decided to try and imagine what a Trump campaign speech might sound like. It included fixing the Columbia River, being smarter than fish, having good relations with beavers and, most importantly, bigfoot policy. Read just the bigfoot policy excerpt below.

So you can see I could do amazing things for Oregon. Bigfoot won't come out and talk to anybody? He'll talk to me. More than anybody who has ever run for president, I know Bigfoot. I was on a talk show with Bigfoot — the network begged me to come on — and he's a good guy, although not as smart or good-looking as I am.

Between you and me, even my feet are bigger, although the media won't tell you that.

I would give the Northwest what it's never had, a winning Bigfoot policy. We've got a Bigfoot policy put together by losers, a Bigfoot policy run by people with small feet and smaller IQs. I could bring Bigfoot out by offering him a free week at a Trump hotel. Nobody would refuse that, because Trump hotels are the greatest places in the world.

SRC: David Sarasohn: What Donald Trump would say to Oregon (OPINION)