30 Rock Star Judah Friedlander: How to Beat Up Bigfoot

While we do not condone harming Bigfoot in any way shape or form, we give some leeway when it comes to satire.

In his new book, How to Beat Up Anybody(Out today October 5th 2010), Judah Friedlander dedicates a chapter on how to take down the big guy. It is the twelfth chapter and officially titled "Backyard Bigfoot Attack"

Below is a reprint provided originally to Maxim Magazine online

1. START WITH AN AERIAL ASSAULT.
It’s too risky to start with a ground attack. It is mating season for Bigfoots, and they can be extremely horny.



2. FIGHT HAND TO HAND.
Never fight foot to foot with a Bigfoot.



3. DIG YOUR KNUCKLES INTO HIS BIGFOOT SKIN.
For the record, this is not a short Bigfoot. He seems small because I have resized myself to 8'5"
for this fight.(I have a separate chapter that explains "sizing," the ability to make yourself shorter or taller).



4. THE BIGFOOT TRIES TO YELL FOR HELP, BUT I SEVER HIS VOCAL CORDS.
A Bigfoot’s yell can be heard by other Bigfoots 300 miles away, and they can show up in 30 seconds to help him.



5. I DRAG THE BIGFOOT TO MY REGULATION-SIZE BASKETBALL COURT.
Bigfoots take great pride in basketball. It is their national sport. Not soccer, as it is commonly believed.




6. THERE ARE NO REFEREES IN BIGFOOT BASKETBALL.
Dunking on a Bigfoot is one of the most humiliat ing things you can do to him. I have beaten him up physically and psycholog ically. It’s time to take the Bigfoot back to the woods, where he belongs.




7. BUT FIRST I UNLOAD ONE LAST KARATE KICK.
I kick him so hard, the entire planet shakes.



8. BY THE TIME I LAND, IT’S NIGHT.
I’m careful to land softly, so that I don’t create a 50-foot-deep crater.




Remember, when battling a Bigfoot, fight fast. Bigfoots have an amazingly rapid recovery time from injuries. A broken Bigfoot bone can heal in six hours. That’s why you’ve never seen a Bigfoot in a hospital.
If you want to learn more and discover the secret to defeating ninjas and dinosaurs, buy my book before I beat you up.

EXTERNAL LINKS
judahfriedlander.com
howtobeatupanybody.com
Maxim.com How to beat up Bigfoot

Sky Valley Chronicle 7 Point Proof Against Bigfoot

We have heard these reasons against Bigfoot Before. Why haven't we found one yet? Where are the remains?

In this case the Sky Valley does more of the same. We could argue counter points for each of thiers, but we will only take on

POINT#6:You cant find a credible scientist anywhere that believes in all this crapola about Bigfoot. That oughta be a big clue right there.

I think there are several credible scientist that consider Bigfoot a possibility DR. Jane Goodall, Dr Jeff Meldrum to mention a few.

Below are all seven points:

1 Despite all the bazillion hunters in this country – both Native Americans and those scheming scoundraly Anglo invaders from England who spoke with forked tongues and brought all the smallpox - going back to before America was even called America, there is not one documented case of a hunter bagging a Bigfoot. Not one. Over hundreds of years. There’s bookoo bear been whacked, lottsa elk, tons of deer, wild turkeys, ducks and whatnot but not one Sasquatch bagged. Zippo. There's not even a documented case of a hunter even getting a clear look at one through the scope on his Remington 30.06.

2 There’s not one documented case of Bigfoot DNA being found that made the biologists go “Eureka! We have evidence of an ape man!”

3 No body, no bones, no fur, no DNA NOTHING to authenticate the existence of the wild ape man. Not even one clear photograph after hundreds of years. You have any idea of how many clear photos of deer and elk have been taken in the wilds over the past two hundred years? Well, a lot. That’s how many.

4 A lot of folks who believe in Bigfoot quote the famous 1924 tale told by Fred Beck who claimed he and four other miners were “attacked” one night in July by some “ape men” who threw rocks at their cabin in an area that later became known as Ape Canyon, Washington.

Well, get this. Beck later (some 43 years later in 1967) writes a book about the incident in which he said the ape men who attacked their cabin were alleged "mystical beings from another dimension."

Ooooookay. Beck also claimed he had experienced psychic premonitions and visions his entire life and that the “ape men” were only one of many such weird experiences. Wow. Wouldn't you like to hear about the rest of those experiences? Later on a cave expert claimed the whole story arose from an incident in which hikers from a nearby camp had thrown rocks into the canyon.

5 The famous (and cheesy) 1967 Roger Patterson home movie of a purported Bigfoot in Bluff Creek, California is about as believable as the next clown who says elect me and I’ll make government smaller. This piece of trash film is one of the so-called best pieces of evidence for Bigfoot’s existence, according to the Bigfoot believers.

Which is too bad because not many years ago Bob Heironimus, an acquaintance of Patterson's, came forward and admitted it was he in that ape costume on the film. Ooops. There goes that great proof.

6 You cant find a credible scientist anywhere that believes in all this crapola about Bigfoot. That oughta be a big clue right there.

7 If there was a Bigfoot, we'd know about it because God talks to us (just like he talks to them TV preachers) and we talk to you. So there.

YOU MIGHT ALSO BE INTERESTED IN
Benjamin Bradfords Top 10 Reasons Bigfoot doesn't exist
7 Point Proof Against Bigfoot System

A Good Week for Bigfoot Researcher Cliff Barackman

At the risk of seemingly having a man-crush on Cliff Barackman (we've had 3 posts about him in the last week alone), the truth is, we go where the news goes, and not only has Cliff been on fire, he's gone international!

The German Bigfoot blog, Sasquat.com has interviewed Cliff with some great insightful questions. The post is half German, half english. We have translated the opening paragraph for you below:

The search for Bigfoot is a lot more than just a hobby. The "Squatching" or "Bigfooting" as it is called by the performers themselves, has blossomed into a kind of lifestyle for some. You go out every free minute in the wilderness and spend most of their income on fuel and equipment for voyages to remote regions. One such man is Cliff Barackman. The man from Portland, Oregon, has been interested in the school for the Bigfoot phenomenon. Today he is a member of his Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization, and probably one of the most persistent field researchers, there is. Alike, the man who works as a teacher and jazz guitarist, as one of the helpful "Bigfoot." I met Cliff at Oregon Sasquatch Symposium in June, but had unfortunately no opportunity to interview him because he broke during the Symposium on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington, because there were fresh tracks were found. I asked him why, to answer my e-mail a few questions. Questions such as why he is looking for Bigfoot, whether it would be ethical to kill such a creature on the value of focus photos and videos and how he feels about the ominous Kentucky project.

We love the end of the interview, which feels like a quickfire question and answer sessions.

What are your three favorite books on Sasquatch?
Sasquatch: Legend Meets Science by Dr. Jeff Meldrum.
Bigfoot / Sasquatch Evidence by Dr. Grover Krantz.
North America's Great Ape: The Sasquatch by Dr. John Binder nail.

Three most admired Bigfoot?
Dr. Jeff Meldrum for his academic professionalism, and bravery by sticking his neck out.
Dr. John Mionczynski for his staggering field experience and knowledge.
Bob Gimlin for his integrity and kindness in the face of mud slinging and misinformed gossip.

Three best pieces of evidence?
The internal congruence of the available data.
The Patterson / Gimlin film.
Footprint casts.

Three worst pieces of evidence?
The only "bad" evidence is that which is fabricated. The rest of it is simply to be disproved by investigation. That's the nature of science.

Three best events in bigfooting history?
The Patterson / Gimlin film event for it's unique impact.
The Cripple Foot footprint event for its role in getting Dr. Krantz interested.
The founding of the BFRO for being the largest database ever assembled of sasquatch sightings and publicly shared.

Three worst events in history bigfooting?
The Georgia "Body In A Freezer" hoax.
The publishing of Greg Long's book, The Making of Bigfoot: The Inside Story.
The "Massacre at Bluff Creek" theory getting any traction at all

Three best locations to search for sasquatches?
The Olympic Peninsula in Washington State.
Prince of Wales, Iceland, Alaska.
Uninterrupted green belts near your home.

Three best items for field research?
Thermal imager.
Audio recorders.
Nature observation skills.

Three best experiences in the field?
Bigfooting with Bob Gimlin.
Adventures with Bobo (every trip with him can be described as "the best").
Doing field work on Prince of Wales Iceland.

Three worst experiences in the field?
Finding myself four miles upstream from camp at sunset without a flash light at Bluff Creek.
Any one of my numerous experiences with poison oak or poison ivy.
Having to get towed out of slick, deep mud in the White Mountains of Arizona.

Three best websites on Bigfoot?
(All modesty aside)
http://northamericanbigfoot.blogspot.com/
www.NorthAmericanBigfoot.com
www.bfro.net
(if asked for a fourth one we are sure he would have added Bigfoot Lunch Club)

Not German? Can't speak or read German? no Problem the link below will automatically translate the blog for you.

EXTERNAL LINKS
Sasquat.com (translated)
Cliff's new Facebook Page